College Chaos
by thediscordalliance
Summary: Nikolai Rostovsky is studying in America at Illéa University, where he and his royally exciting cast of friends are trying to survive college. Follow along as he suffers through finals, parties hard, and tries not to talk about why he's in Illéa in the first place. And maybe–just maybe–his experience will change him for the better. / TWIW AU spin off / Octavia
1. Chapter 1

**sup its octavia and yall have prolly seen this but i figured i'd just put this here ya know**

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"I'm dying," Nikolai announced over a mug of coffee as Jericho came into the kitchen that morning.

He frowned and blinked sleepily, rubbing his eyes. "You're wha?"

"I'm dying, Jericho," he repeated. "I'm physically about to explode into a thousand pieces."

Jericho sighed, resuming his path towards the coffee pot. "Haruhito send you another cute snapchat?"

"What? No, shut up," Nikolai snapped, ears going red. "Haruhito… you know what, it's not important. No, I mean Jinhai's coming back from his study abroad today."

"So?" Jericho asked, taking a sip of coffee and grunting in appreciation. "Jinhai's a good guy. We're all really glad to have him back."

"Yes, but–he's just so–," Nikolai made an unintelligible noise, unable to communicate exactly what he meant. "You know?"

"No, I don't," Jericho said, arching an eyebrow. "Jinhai's literally super nice and polite and smart."

"I know," Nikolai muttered sulkily. "I hate it."

"You're just jealous 'cause Haruhito really likes him," Jericho pointed out. "If that wasn't the case, you and Jinhai would get on awesome."

"You–I–," Nikolai sputtered, indignant. "That's not why! It's because Jinhai is just so…"

"God's sake, Niko," his roommate chided. "There's nothing wrong with Jinhai, face it. You're just jealous and petty as hell."

"We know this about me already," Nikolai grumbled. "But he and Haruhito always always get so… ugh. You'd get jealous too, if someone was all over the person you liked like that."

"No, I wouldn't," Jericho countered. "See, I would be secure in the fact that my partner loved me. But that's under the assumption I'd ever have a romantic partner."

"It doesn't matter anyway, since Haruhito and I aren't dating. We're just…"

"A buncha idiots is what you are," Jericho snickered. "Pining idiots."

"We don't pine," Nikolai sniped. "_I _pine and Haruhito just exists as a perfect oblivious human being."

"Yeah, yeah, heard it all before," Jericho said. "It's too early for this, anyway. Don't you have class soon?"

"Yes," Nikolai admitted reluctantly. "Intro to ethics."

"With Latreall?" Jericho asked, eyebrows raised. "Oh great. Thank god I'm not in your class. Hate to be in the middle of that."

"Latreall is a worthy opponent," Nikolai admitted. "I should get going."

He grabbed his bag and his laptop and began putting on his coat.

"Oh, by the way, Niko," Jericho remarked. "I think Eliza's having a party tonight since Jinhai's coming home."

"And we're going?" Nikolai asked, dismayed.

"C'mon, it's Eliza. And it's Jinhai," Jericho said. "Besides, if it's for Jinhai, you know who else will be there."

"I resent that," Nikolai snapped irritably, noticeably grumpier than he'd been before. "If you think that'll motivate me, you're an imbecile."

"Fine, but we're going tonight," Jericho replied, undeterred. "Friends show up for friends, and that's what we're going to do."

Nikolai slammed the door in response, stomping petulantly down the hall.

* * *

Groupchat: Icons of Illéa 2k18

coldhandscoldheart, showmeyourkitties, rancerancerevolution, queenofthescene, jerichoastingthrulife, whoselinusitanyway, add more+

_queenofthescene changed the name to _Jinhai Welcome Committee

coldhandscoldheart: oh great.

queenofthescene: That better not be sarcasm on your end niko

queenofthescene: Jinhai's coming home today and no one needs your sass

coldhandscoldheart: please, Elizabeth

coldhandscoldheart: I assure you, I'm being totally genuine

jerichoastingthrulife: just ignore him, he's super salty

whoselinusitanyway: Shocker

showmeyourkitties: wait why?

—

Message

coldhandscoldheart to jerichoastingthrulife

coldhandscoldheart: don't you fucking dare jericho

coldhandscoldheart: I stg

jerichoastingthrulife: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

coldhandscoldheart: JERICHO

—

Groupchat: Jinhai Welcome Committee

coldhandscoldheart, showmeyourkitties, rancerancerevolution, queenofthescene, jerichoastingthrulife, whoselinusitanyway, add more+

jerichoastingthrulife: I switched his coffee for decaf

jerichoastingthrulife: he's been like this all morning

rancerancerevolution: smh

rancerancerevolution: why would you make Niko's attitude problem even worse

coldhandscoldheart: excuse me

coldhandscoldheart: I'm a delight to be around

queenofthescene: is everyone coming to my party tonight?

rancerancerevolution: yep!

showmeyourkitties: yeah

whoselinusitanyway: of course

jerichoastingthrulife: Yeppers

queenofthescene: niko?

coldhandscoldheart: …

coldhandscoldheart: maybe

jerichoastingthrulife: yes he is. don't worry about it, Eliza, he'll be there.

coldhandscoldheart: no

rancerancerevolution: aw come on, niko. Its a party, not a funeral

queenofthescene: please?

—

Message

showmeyourkitties to coldhandscoldheart

showmeyourkitties: why don't you want to go?

coldhandscoldheart: its complicated

showmeyourkitties: im not gonna pressure you

showmeyourkitties: of all people, i get it

showmeyourkitties: but I think it would be rlly cool if you were there?

showmeyourkitties: idk

—

Groupchat: Jinhai Welcome Committee

coldhandscoldheart, showmeyourkitties, rancerancerevolution, queenofthescene, jerichoastingthrulife, whoselinusitanyway, add more+

coldhandscoldheart: …fine

queenofthescene; Yes!

—

Message

coldhandscoldheart to jerichoastingthrulife

_coldhandscoldheart sent (1) screenshot_

coldhandscoldheart: dammit Jericho, he did it again

jerichoastingthrulife: lmao you idiot you're so whipped

* * *

Nikolai sighed and pocketed his phone as the professor entered the classroom.

"Alright guys, class is beginning! Phones and laptops away, please," Professor Webb said, setting down his bag and shedding his coat. "How is everyone this morning?"

Obviously enthused by the fact that it was seven thirty in the morning, a chorus of low grunts rumbled around the room. Nikolai counted one girl still napping on her desk and another with four empty coffee cups on her table.

"Good, good. If someone will please wake Miss Flores, we can begin," Professor Webb said amicably, nodding to a student close to the sleeping girl. "First, have all of you submitted your essays to me?"

Another vaguely positive grunt met him.

"Good. I'll be grading this weekend, so you should get it back on Tuesday or Wednesday," Professor Webb said. "Now that that's out of the way, let's do a quick scenario, just as a warmup."

He sat on the edge of his desk, rolling up his shirtsleeves. "So imagine there are two cars, one with five people in it, and one with just one person in it. They're heading on a collision course towards each other, and by some divine happenstance, you have the power to save one car. If you decide to do nothing, the instance will be wiped from your memory, if you act, you remember it. What do you do? Hands, everyone."

"You save the car with five people in it," one of the boys, Raphael, answers. "Obviously."

"Interesting," the professor said. "Why?"

"Then you maximize the amount of people you can save," Rafael said, with a 'duh' tone of voice.

"But if you don't save either of them, it's not technically your fault," Nikolai pointed out. "And you won't have to live with the guilt."

"But choosing not to act is a coward's choice," Latreall piped up, defiance in his voice.

Nikolai's brow knitted. Someone mumbled, "Oh no. here we go again."

"But what gives you the right to even make this choice," Nikolai countered. "Why should you be able to change fate?"

"If there's an opportunity to save even one life, you must intervene," Latreall said hotly. "For the greater good. Only a selfish _coward_ chooses to back away from the choice because he's too weak to live with the guilt."

The jab was ill-disguised, and Nikolai's hackles rose.

"Only an arrogant, pretentious prick would believe he has the right to meddle in other people's affairs," Nikolai snapped coldly.

"Alright, simmer down, guys," Professor Webb. "Let me offer an alternate scenario. In Car A is those five strangers. In Car B is your mother. Which do you save now?"

"Car B," Latreall said at the same time Nikolai said, "Car A."

Their eyes met and Latrell seemed confused, his lips parting and brow furrowing. Nikolai realized his mistake.

"It's the greater good," Nikolai said briskly, trying to cover for his gaffe. "Of course I'll save the five. As Latreall would say, I'd be a _selfish coward_ to choose my own priorities over five lives."

"What about if the person in Car B was your brother or sister?" Professor Webb asked.

This time there was no hesitation as both boys chorused, "Car B."

They locked gazes, and then slowly, Nikolai nodded to him, and he nodded back.

"Great warm up, guys," Professor Webb said, clapping his hands to signal the end of the exercise. "I'd love to see some participation from someone other than Latreall and Nikolai, but I hope you all were at least listening since this is an excellent segue into our next subject of study, The Greater Good. Take out the reading I had you do last night…"

Nikolai tuned the professor out as he got out the reading, his hands shaking a little. Damn, that had been close. Why had he said Car A? It was like writing _Damaged Goods_ across his forehead in permanent marker.

He had to be more careful if he didn't want his dramatic background as the subject of this week's gossip. And he really couldn't afford that.

* * *

"Don't forget, guys," Professor Webb reminded them at the end of class. "You need to watch the video and take notes, as well as write a paragraph answering the question. I want deep thinking, guys, don't just rush through it."

Nikolai packed up his bag, already putting his earbuds in. He zipped up his bag and turned to leave, only to come face to face e with one Latreall Santana.

"Can I help you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why did you say Car A?" He asked point-blank.

"I don't know, why are you wearing a sweater vest when you're under fifty?" Nikolai sniped. "Clearly you're not in a place to judge my decisions."

Latreall blinked, caught off guard. "What–? What's wrong with my–?" He seemed to catch himself and then shook himself back to the moment. "You're trying to distract me. Answer the question."

Nikolai squinted at him, unimpressed. "Um? No?"

"Why not?" Latreall asked, frowning. "Are you hiding something?"

"No," Nikolai said irritably. "I just don't like you and I don't have to. Now if you'll excuse me."

Latreall stepped in front of him, blocking him from leaving. "I'm just asking. It's just a bit concerning, is all."

"And I appreciate the concern," Nikolai said, who did not appreciate it at all. "But I'm going to be late for my next class. Goodbye Latreall."

In fact, it was his free block next, but Latreall didn't need to know that.

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	2. Chapter 2

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Nikolai figured if he was going to this party anyway, he might as well look pretty. Eliza's house was about three miles from campus because her dad was headmaster, and it was huge. She was also a bit of social butterfly, so one could imagine it was going to be mobbed. Thus, any sensible boy would want to look pretty as hell.

"Niko, I need to get ready," Jericho called, banging on the bathroom door. "How are you still in there, it's been two hours!"

"I'm making myself pretty," he answered, leaning forward to swipe shimmering highlight across the high points of his face.

"You're plenty pretty already, Niko, can you please open the door?"

He thought it over as he admired his reflection in the mirror, all pale skin and arching cheekbones and glowing blue eyes. "Fine. I'm done anyway."

He opened the door and Jericho looked him from head to toe.

"Well?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You look good," Jericho said softly, eyes unreadable.

Nikolai was a little taken aback, having expecting a sarcastic remark and an eyeball. "Oh. Well. Thank you."

"You're welcome, you vain little man," Jericho teased, scoffing. _Ah, there it was_. "Now, let me get ready, please."

"Fine, fine," Nikolai said, smirking, flouncing out of the bathroom. "Anyway, I'm 6'3. Not little."

"I know," Jericho groaned. "You won't stop telling me."

The door closed, and Nikolai shook his head, smiling. He ambled to the kitchen and checked his messages absently.

––

**Groupchat: Jinhai Welcome Committee**

**coldhandscoldheart, showmeyourkitties, rancerancerevolution, queenofthescene, jerichoastingthrulife, whoselinusitanyway, add more+**

_queenofthescene sent (1) photo_

queenofthescene: jinhaiiiiii look at him perfect

queenofthescene: so handsome my soff t boy

queenofthescene: niko get,, ur ass down here ur misssing the prrarty

queenofthescene: jreicho

queenofthescene: jjericho

queenofthescene: where r u

coldhandscoldheart: Linus come collect your princess she's drunk

whoselinusitanyway: fuck off

whoselinusitanyway: im not a babysitter

coldhandscoldheart: mmhm

coldhanscoldheart: well?

queenofthescene: this is Linus, I'm just gonna take her phone so she doesn't do anything she regrets on social media

coldhandscoldheart: thank you for your service soldier

queenofthescene: I hate you

* * *

"Jericho, are you ready?" Nikolai called to the back of the flat. "Eliza's already drunk and Jinhai's there. We need to leave."

"Coming," Jericho answered, and appeared by Nikolai a second later, still fussing with an earring. "Just gotta get this in."

"I'll do it, I'm faster," Nikolai huffed impatiently.

He stepped closer and carefully took the earring from where Jericho was holding. It was strange that he was noticing how close they were as he carefully hooked it into the backing. Jericho was good-looking, of course, but Nikolai had never noticed how–well, _hot _he was.

"How do I look?" Jericho asked as Nikolai stepped back.

"Hot," Nikolai confirmed with a nod. "If I was a straight girl, I'd date you."

"Thanks, I guess," Jericho said, grinning. "Now c'mon, we're missing all the exciting stuff. I bet Haruhito's drunk now, you can make your move."

"Please," Nikolai said as they shut the door behind them and locked the door. "That's rapey. I'm a man of class, Jericho."

* * *

On his fifth shot, Nikolai was considerably less of a man of class.

"Shots, shots, shots," Eliza was chanting giddily, as he and a foreign student called Hans tossed back another shot of vodka.

"Another," Hans proclaimed, grinning widely, looking barely fazed. "I cannot even feel."

Nikolai, who was decidedly more fazed, set his jaw in determination. "Me either. Let's have another."

"Let's not," interjected Rance, smiling as he took the vodka away from Eliza, who was attempting to pour. "I can see you getting absolutely smashed, Nikolai, you're going to get your stomach pumped at this rate."

"Fuck off," Nikolai protested, but he'd always had a soft spot for that smile. "Where's…uh, Haruhito? I haven't seen him all night."

"Probably out on the deck," Rance advised, sipping calmly from his red cup.

He looked fairly sober, and Nikolai suspected he was keeping Jericho company. He was a nice guy like that. Not like Nikolai. Nikolai was thorny and cold and all messed up on the inside.

"Gonna go, uhm," he gestured vaguely towards the back door, "–check. On him. Platonically."

"Sure you are," Jericho said, glancing down at his drink as he stirred the ginger ale.

"Stop using your mean voice," Nikolai complained. "Why are you mad?"

Jericho pursed his lips. "I'm not. Go get him, tiger."

"Okay. I will," Nikolai said stubbornly, drawing himself up to his full height and walking imperiously away. He walked out around to the back door and peeked onto the deck.

To his dismay, he saw Haruhito asleep against Jinhai's shoulder, nose against the curve of his neck as he slept. Jinhai was looking down at him, tracing his finger around Haruhito's knuckles. There was something in his eyes, a soft liquid sort of fondness. Nikolai knew that look, knew the wistfulness that pulled at one's deepest insides and colored the world in rosy light. He'd worn the same look many times. When Jinhai noticed Nikolai's presence, he waved, but didn't speak. Probably to avoid waking Haruhito.

Nikolai's heart was a lead ball in his chest and he stared at Jinhai for a moment too long, a wave of envy crashing over him. A flashback rattled him, startlingly poignant.

..

_("I don't know what I'd do without you," Haruhito said softly, curled up against Niko's side. "I'm sorry to wake you."_

"_I don't mind," he admitted, carding his fingers through the other boy's hair. "I was awake anyway."_

_He hadn't been, but Haruhito's ringtone was always set to extra loud so it woke him up._

"_You're a very good listener," Haruhito mumbled, leaning into his touch. "I like that about you."_

"_I do what I can," he said, secretly pleased. _

"_I wish we could do this always. I start to go a little crazy when I'm alone too long. And you're always so nice to me."_

We could_, he'd thought then. _If you'd just… just realize. Just stopped to notice how much I care.

_But he was content to listen and run his fingers through his hair and hold him close. That was enough.)_

_.._

Not once that night had Haruhito mentioned Jinhai. Couldn't it be like that always? Couldn't Nikolai be enough?

Clearly not.

Why was it always like this with Jinhai? Why was it Nikolai when Jinhai was gone, who held Haruhito while he slept, who listened to his somewhat unintelligible 2 AM rants and drove to his house to keep him company when he wrote. Who brought him food and reminded him to drink water, and took notes for Haruhito in class so he could sleep if he'd had trouble the night before. But the moment Jinhai came around, he was forgotten and it was Jinhai.

Always, Nikolai was someone's second choice. Second choice of son, second choice of friend.

"Pochemu eto ty?" He whispered, aching as he watched Haruhito's lips part as he breathed softly.

Jinhai frowned, even though he spoke Russian. "What? I don't––,"

"Forget it," Nikolai said in English, shaking it off. He left before Jinahi could reply, hands curled into fists.

"How'd it go?" Jericho called to him as he stalked through the kitchen.

"Shuddup," Nikolai bit out, grabbing a bottle of wine and using his teeth to pull the cork out.

"That good, huh?" Jericho asked, eyebrow raised as Nikolai took a long pull from it. "You are going to regret this in the morning."

"I guess we can expect an extra-awful Niko tomorrow," Rance joked. "Good to hear the Niko mood forecast stays current."

Nikolai glared at him. "You're all terrible."

"Mood update, you can expect Niko's mood tonight to plummet, with a 60% chance of being blackout drunk and a 30% chance of a one night stand," Rance said in an announcers voice. "Stay tuned for further updates as the night goes on."

Nikolai didn't say anything, just got to his feet, flipped them all off and left.

He went upstairs to where he knew there a guest bedroom–a bedroom he'd stayed in so often, his name engraved on a plaque was on the door, a joke from Mr. Schreave on Nikolai's last birthday. (He had been amused by the gift, but hadn't said how much it meant to him to have a place to go when he didn't know where else to go. Especially after he'd come out to his family.)

In the bathroom, he found his makeup remover, and opened the package. He looked in the mirror as his makeup disappeared with a swipe. When the dark eyes and glass-edged cheekbones were gone, what was left? A tired, broken boy who drank too much. A second choice. A face too similar to loss.

A knock sounded at the door and he turned towards the sound.

"Who is it?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"Me," Haruhito said, opening the door. "Do you have a moment?"

_Yes. Always, for you. I wish I didn't, but somehow I always do._

"Yes, what do you need?" Nikolai asked, getting rid of the last traces of makeup.

"Jinhai mentioned you'd been around, and Jericho said you were upset. Is everything alright?" Haruhito asked.

"It's fine," Nikolai assured, hollow. "I'm fine."

"You're saying that, but this feels like that moment in a YA novel when the protagonist is shutting everyone out because of deep inner hurt," Haruhito remarked, tilting his head.

Nikolai stared wearily at him for a long moment. "I thought you weren't majoring in psychology anymore."

"I never was, I just took a couple courses to get into my characters' heads," Haruhito answered evenly. "But don't distract me. You admit that my assessment was right? Is it something I did?"

_Not on purpose. You don't even know you're hurting me. _

"Of course not," Nikolai said without thinking. "It's just… You knew I didn't want to come. Why did you ask me to come if you were just going to hang out with Jinhai all night?"

Haruhito blinked. "…It's Jinhai's welcome home party? I just figured it would mean a lot to him and our friends."

Of course it was about him again. Always him.

"I know," Nikolai said, frustrated. He should have let it drop then, but he was tired and drunk and emotional. Sue him. "I know that, okay? But–I thought there was some kind of–reason you'd asked me to come and hell, I took all this time to look pretty, and god, why is it always him? It's always like this with him."

"I'm not following," Haruhito said, brow knitting. "What does making yourself pretty have anything to do with tonight?"

Silence.

"What does it have to do with tonight, Nikolai?"

"You're unbelievable," Nikolai whispered at last, sinking to the cold marble. He let his head tip backward to rest against the wall. "For someone who has written so many books, you're terrifically terrible at subtext."

"Nikolai…"

"You should go, Harushka," he murmured. "I'm drunk and you're tired. Let's not have this conversation."

Haruhito didn't move. "I don't want to hurt you, Nikolai."

"I know. That's why you should go."

Haruhito hesitated, but ultimately sighed and slipped out, closing the door with a soft click.

He didn't know when the tears started, but he knew that dull, throbbing hurt had been building for years now, and he couldn't hold it back anymore. He didn't know when he fell asleep either, but time thickened to molasses, and suddenly his eyes were fluttering as he was picked up easily and carried to a bed. Sleep clung to him with stubborn hands and dragged him back down as the duvet was tucked around him, and he couldn't tell who was helping him. At that point, he was finding he didn't care too much.

"_Good night, Nikolai."_

"Good night," he whispered reflexively, before the darkness swallowed him and stole the memory all together.

* * *

**Message hopelessramantic to coldhandscoldheart**

hopelessramantic: i miss you

**.**

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**.**


	3. Chapter 3

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Message hopelessramantic to coldhandscoldheart**

hopelessramantic: ik it's been a while but can we talk?

hopelessramantic: please?

* * *

Nikolai woke up with a killer headache and a stomachful of regret.

"Easy, there," Jericho said as Nikolai emptied his guts into the toilet. "I wonder who warned you about this."

Niko flipped him off with a shaky hand as he slumped back, wiping his mouth.

"You done?"

"'Think that's the worst of it."

"Good," Jericho said briskly. "Rinse out your mouth and then take shower. I put Advil on the counter up here, and when you're done, Jinhai's hangover cure is out in the kitchen."

"Well, thank god Jinhai's here to save me," Nikolai said sarcastically as he eased himself onto weak legs.

"Save your bitterness, Niko. It's effective and you need it," Jericho said tiredly. "I'm going to go check on Eliza, can you handle this without drowning yourself?"

Nikolai just rolled his eyes and reached for the mouthwash as Jericho left. He swished one, two, three times to burn the nasty taste from his mouth, swallowed the Advil, and then locked the door so he could take a shower.

Hot water did absolute wonders for him, and by the time he had stepped out, he was feeling much better than before. Once he got that hangover cure–which was indeed excellent, as much as he protested–he'd be good as new. Lucky for him, he'd left a couple changes of clothes in the drawers, so he didn't have to change back into the gross clothing from last night.

"Good morning," he said as strolled into the kitchen. Jericho and Rance looked up from where they were talking, and Nikolai was struck with the most bizarre feeling that they'd been talking about him.

"Morning, Princess," Rance smirked, recovering quickly. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine," Nikolai said, getting a glass of water. "Who's here?"

"Jinhai was around this morning, but he left, so now it's just Rance, you, and me," Jericho answered. "And Linus is probably lurking around here somewhere."

Nikolai made a face.

"No, not like that. I put Eliza to bed last night," Jericho reassured him, catching his expression. "You know he and Eliza aren't like that anymore."

"Yes, well, perhaps if they ever talked about it, I'd be more convinced they're really done. This weird still-friends thing they're trying is so strange," Nikolai said, finishing the glass of water. "And you can't honestly tell me that Linus is over her. Eliza, maybe."

"Fair enough," Rance piped up, from where he was searching the fridge. "If I were her, I'd make a clean break. Sure, it makes for some awkwardness, but what's happening now is kind of a lot more awkward."

"They've known each other for forever though," Jericho pointed out. "It's gotta be hard to break that off. What are you looking for?"

"I dunno, something to eat," Rance shrugged. "They've got eggs?"

"Can either of you make eggs?" Nikolai asked skeptically.

Jericho and Rance exchanged a look. "No."

"Well, I'll do it then," Nikolai said, sighing long-sufferingly. He downed Jinhai's hangover cure in a couple gulps, and grabbed the eggs from the fridge. "I'm scrambling, alright?"

The others chorused agreement, and Nikolai started cracking eggs into a bowl. He whisked them around, and a moment later, there was upbeat music ringing through the air. He glanced over his shoulder to see Jericho and Rance dancing around while Rance lip-synched exaggeratedly. Smiling, Nikolai turned back to the eggs and poured in a measure of milk.

"What's going on down here?" Eliza asked as she entered, rubbing her eyes. "Isn't it too early for this?"

"It's eleven," Nikolai pointed out.

"I said what I said." She surveyed the scene, face lighting up as she spotted a glass fo Jinhai's hangover cure. "Oh thank god. Bless that man."

A loud sizzle interrupted the calm of the kitchen as Nikolai poured the egg-milk mixture into a pan, and Rance turned up the music to compensate.

It was almost perfect, Nikolai mused as he used a spatula to push the eggs around the pan. Just being here with his friends, making breakfast and listening to music in the morning with nothing else to do.

"Nikolai, you're getting a call," Rance informed him.

"Toss it here," Nikolai said, opening his hand to catch it.

Rance tossed it gently and Nikolai grabbed it out of the air, answering it and jamming it between his shoulder and ear in one fluid motion. "Hello?"

"Hi. It's been a while. How are you?"

Nikolai's mouth dried up. "Why are you calling me?"

"Oh. I dunno. I just… started thinking about you last night. Did you get my text?"

"I haven't checked my texts yet," Nikolai said softly, holding the spatula out to Jericho. His roommate took it with a quizzical look as Nikolai drifted to another room. "Why do you need to call me, Rama?"

"I mean, I'm in town. I thought…maybe we could meet up?" His voice was hopeful, sweet and wavering. "I guess I missed talking to you."

Nikolai took a deep shuddering breath, something inside him shivering. "I–don't know. Yet. I need to–I need to think about it. I'll, um, text you? With my answer? You understand–I mean, I'm not sure if I'm ready. To do this."

"I get it," Rama said quickly. "No pressure. Whenever you're ready."

"Um, okay. Then I'll text you."

"Okay."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

Nikolai ended the call with shaking hands. His pulse thundered in his ears and his stomach felt like a cage of butterflies.

"Hey," Jericho said, poking his head in. "You okay?"

Nikolai blinked. "Yes. I'm fine."

"You sure?" Jericho asked, arching an eyebrow. "You look a bit…pale. You always do, but it's a little worrying."

"That was Rama on the phone," Nikolai said very quietly.

Jericho paled. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh," Nikolai agreed hollowly. "He wants to meet up."

"Are you going to do it?" Jericho asked, tilting his head.

"I haven't decided," Nikolai admitted. "Do you think I should?"

Jericho was silent for a moment. "Nikolai, I don't want to make this decision. This is for you to make. It's about your healing. If you're not ready, don't go. But it's been two years. Maybe…maybe it's time."

Nikolai nodded, getting to his feet. "You're right. I'm not going to respond yet, but… well, thank you for the advice, Jericho."

"No problem," Jericho answered softly, eyes dark and gentle. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yes," he said, but then he stepped in and hugged Jericho tightly, just to have something to cling onto.

"Easy, buddy," Jericho soothed, catching him easily and wrapping him up in a tight embrace. "No one's forcing you to do this. You'll still be one of the best guys I know if you decide now's not the right time. Just stay strong, Niko."

"I don't want to go," Niko mumbled into Jericho's hair, which smelled like his almond shampoo. "But I think I should."

"I'll support you either way," Jericho said soothingly. "You're being brave, right now, and that's not always easy."

"Okay," Nikolai mumbled, but for one moment, he just closed his eyes and memorized the sense of safety he had in the moment.

* * *

_The three of them stepped into the cool night air, and Nikolai instantly shivered and wrinkled his nose. _

"_Jesus, it's cold," he complained. "Let's find your car and get home."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," Grisha said, beaming as he stretched his arms wide open. "I think it's great out."_

"_Easy," Rama grinned as Grisha went sideways. "Jeez, Grish, how much did you drink?"_

"_Lightweight," Niko teased, grinning. "He only had like three drinks, seriously."_

"_Shush," Grisha scowled, giving his brother a push, who smirked as he danced out of reach. "You didn't even drink, you prude."_

"_My body is a temple," Niko proclaimed primly. "I won't fill it with toxins."_

_Grisha scoffed as they reached Rama's car, shaking his head. "It won't kill you to have one drink, Niko."_

* * *

"You all good, Niko? You're kinda trembling," Jericho said, bringing him back to the moment.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. He cleared his throat to dispel any thickness in his voice. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go back, maybe the eggs won't have burned."

"They won't, Linus came in and took over," Jericho said absently. He studied Niko worriedly. "You sure everything's all good? I know I didn't really know you back when the accident happened, but if you need to talk–,"

"Thank you," Nikolai said firmly, stepping away from him and crossing his arms, "–but I'm fine."

He spun on his heel and headed straight into the kitchen before those dark eyes could trick anything else out of him.

**.**

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	4. Chapter 4

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**.**

**.**

_The three of them stepped into the cool night air, and Nikolai instantly shivered. He wrinkled his nose. _

"_Jesus, it's cold," he complained. "Let's find your car and get home."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," Grisha said, beaming as he stretched his arms wide open. "I think it's great out."_

"_Easy," Rama grinned as Grisha went sideways. "Jeez, Grish, how much did you drink?"_

"_Lightweight," Niko teased, grinning. "He only had like three drinks, seriously."_

"_Shush," Grisha scowled, giving his brother a push, who smirked as he danced out of reach. "You didn't even drink, you prude."_

"_My body is a temple," Niko proclaimed primly. "I won't fill it with toxins."_

_Grisha scoffed as they reached Rama's car, shaking his head. "It won't kill you to have one drink, Niko."_

"_I'm good," Niko said, getting into the passenger seat. "Rama, are you sure it's alright for you to drive right now?"_

"_I'm fine, I only had like two drinks," Rama assured him. "And unlike Grisha, I can actually hold my alcohol."_

_They both laughed and Grisha flipped them off, sticking out his tongue. _

"_Seriously, though," Nikolai said. "You don't want me to drive? I didn't have anything."_

"_Let me put it this way," Rama said, turning the key. "If we get pulled over, the cop's gonna be a lot more pissed if someone without a license is driving, rather than some who has a license but is a little tipsy."_

"_I have a driver's license," Niko protested, putting on his seatbelt. "Not an American one, but I have one."_

"_You should really just get one here," Rama said, reversing the car. "Then me and Grisha can get smashed together and you can bring us home, Mr. Temple-body."_

"_Forget it," Niko laughed. "I don't wanna be your DD."_

"_I'm not smashed," Grisha protested. "I'm tipsy at best."_

"_Mmhm."_

_Rama turned up the music as the radio turned to a song he liked, and they drove in silence, just bopping to the music. The road was quiet, and Nikolai watched as the windshield became speckled with rain. _

* * *

Nikolai blinked, and frowned, shaking his head to clear it. As the night wore on, it was getting harder and harder to stay awake, but he needed to finish the conclusion of his essay. He couldn't stop thinking about Rama, about Grisha, about what had happened that night. He groaned aloud and rubbed his eyes tiredly. His head was absolutely pounding.

The doorbell rang, and Nikolai got up to answer the door, massaging at his temples. He opened the door, eyes squeezed shut to ease his headache. "Hello?"

"Hi."

Exhaustion dashed, Nikolai's eyes snapped up to find Haruhito standing on the front step, looking somewhat awkward and very cold. Adern was draped over his shoulders like a bizarre scarf, and he mewled in greeting.

"Hello," Nikolai repeated stupidly, his sleepy brain too bogged down to process what was happening. "What are you doing here?"

"Jericho mentioned that you were having a bit of trouble, and I thought maybe I could come keep you company?" Haruhito said, words lilting with uncertainty. "I mean, you've done the same for me, so I thought–um, I also brought food?"

Oh he was too tired for this. What was even happening? Nikolai looked from Haruhito to Adern, to the takeout bag in his hand.

"Sure," he said. "Come in."

Relief broke out on Haruhito's face and he stepped in, taking off his shoes and hanging his coat up. Adern hopped to the floor and inspected the premises with his sharp eyes before meowing and pronouncing it safe for his human. Nikolai noticed Haruhito had not made a move until Adern had made a sound.

"C'mere," Nikolai said, kneeling down to pick up the ginger cat, who was very familiar with him because of past trips to Haruhito's. Adern deigned to be picked up, though he didn't purr the way he did when Haruhito held him. Adern settled placidly in Niko's arms as they went to the kitchen, and Haruhito put the food on the counter.

"Jericho, food on the counter if you like," Nikolai called. He glanced to Haruhito. "My laptop's in my room, is that alright?"

"It's fine."

"You're a writer, maybe you can help me with this," Niko said, putting Adern on the bed and opening the laptop on his desk. "I need to write this conclusion."

Haruhito grabbed the stool in the corner and dragged it up to sit next to him, reading it over his shoulder. "This looks good so far, what's the problem?"

"It's this conclusion." Nikolai sighed, taking off his glasses and rubbing his face. "I just don't know what I'm trying to say here. I don't know how to articulate it."

"Well, let's start form the beginning then," Haruhito said, scooting a little closer so he had a better vantage point. "Talk me through this essay."

They sat like that for a while, Nikolai talking through his essay and Haruhito providing feedback on how to improve the flow and conciseness of his writing. Adern observed from Niko's bed, where he'd found a new home among the fluffed pillows.

"This looks good to me," Haruhito said at last, sitting back from the screen. "Why don't you look this over while I go heat up the food?"

Niko nodded and started re-reading it for about the thirtieth time. As he carefully scanned each line of the five paragraphs, his eyelids grew heavier. He blinked hard to wake himself up, but after a moment, he'd put his head on the desk, just to rest for a moment. A second later, and he was out like a light.

* * *

_The three of them stepped into the cool night air, and Nikolai instantly shivered. He wrinkled his nose. _

"_Jesus, it's cold," he complained. "Let's find your car and get home."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," Grisha said, beaming as he stretched his arms wide open. "I think it's great out."_

"_Easy," Rama grinned as Grisha went sideways. "Jeez, Grish, how much did you drink?"_

"_Lightweight," Niko teased, grinning. "He only had like three drinks, seriously."_

"_Shush," Grisha scowled, giving his brother a push, who smirked as he danced out of reach. "You didn't even drink, you prude."_

"_My body is a temple," Niko proclaimed primly. "I won't fill it with toxins."_

_Grisha scoffed as they reached Rama's car, shaking his head. "It won't kill you to have one drink, Niko."_

"_I'm good," Niko said, getting into the passenger seat. "Rama, are you sure it's alright for you to drive right now?"_

"_I'm fine, I only had like two drinks," Rama assured him. "And unlike Grisha, I can actually hold my alcohol."_

_They both laughed and Grisha flipped them off, sticking out his tongue. _

"_Seriously, though," Nikolai said. "You don't want me to drive? I didn't have anything."_

"_Let me put it this way," Rama said, turning the key. "If we get pulled over, the cop's gonna be a lot more pissed if someone without a license is driving, rather than some who has a license but is a little tipsy."_

"_I have a driver's license," Niko protested, putting on his seatbelt. "Not an American one, but I have one."_

"_You should really just get one here," Rama said, reversing the car. "Then me and Grisha can get smashed together and you can bring us home, Mr. Temple-body."_

"_Forget it," Niko laughed. "I don't wanna be your DD."_

"_I'm not smashed," Grisha protested. "I'm tipsy at best."_

"_Mmhm."_

_Rama turned up the music as the radio turned to a song he liked, and they drove in silence, just bopping to the music. The road was quiet, and Nikolai watched as the windshield became speckled with rain. _

"_Where's my phone?" Grisha asked as they turned onto a little back street that curved around the edge of the mountain. "I wanna call Aja."_

"_That is not a good idea," Nikolai said firmly, hand resting over his pocket where he had stowed Grisha's phone, having foreseen this moment._

"_Did you take my phone?" Grisha whined, trying to sit up from where he had sprawled over the three seats in the back. "Give it back."_

"_I don't think so," Nikolai said, rolling his eyes. "You and Aja broke up two months ago."_

"_But I miss her," Grisha said, pouting._

* * *

His eyes flew open.

"Nikolai?"

"Da? Chto?" He asked blearily, sitting up abruptly. "What? What is it?"

"Did you finish looking over the essay?" Haruhito asked, setting a bowl of Mongolian beef and rice in front of him.

"What?" He looked to the computer. "Oh. No, I didn't. Sorry, I think I fell asleep."

"It's alright," Haruhito said, putting down a cup of green tea. "Try some of this, it'll help you wake up."

Nikolai took a sip, grimacing at the bitter undertones. Haruhito made strong tea.

"Eat something," Haruhito encouraged gently.

"Not hungry," he mumbled. His stomach was turning, the aftermath of his brief nap. All he could think was _Grisha, Rama, Grisha, Aja, Grisha, Rama, Rama, Rama._

"Hey, are you alright? You look kind of sick," Haruhito said cautiously. "Do you need to stop for the night?"

"I'm fine," he said shortly, taking another sip of the green tea to prove he was still functioning. "Sorry, just sort of spacing out."

"Why don't we take a break," Haruhito suggested, studying him carefully. "It's late, and we've made a lot of progress. At least it's finished, so you'll have something to hand in."

Nikolai nodded agreement, the prospect of resting too enticing to pass up.

"You can find something to watch, if you want," he said, gesturing to the laptop.

Haruhito nodded, and tapped away. A moment later, he sat cross legged on Nikolai's bed, patting the seat beside him. "C'mere."

Nikolai sank into his bed, bones seeming to disappear as he relaxed into a puddle of exhaustion. God he was tired.

"What are we watching?" He asked, idly watching the soft pastel colors of the show.

"Bee and Puppycat."

"Is this a kid's show?"

Haruhito scowled, offended. "No."

Nikolai smiled a little at that, letting his head loll so it was resting against Haruhito, who instantly slid an arm around him. He was extraordinary leech of body heat, and the moment touch was initiated, Haruhito swooped in to steal warmth from any available target. It was rather endearing, really.

"It could be like this always," Nikolai said softly.

Haruhito pretended not to hear him, looking determinedly at the screen.

"Haruhito. Why won't you look at me?"

He glanced over, dark eyes shimmering with something sad and quiet. "Nikolai, we've had this conversation."

"Let's have it again, when I'm not drunk," Nikolai said, sitting up.

"I don't think there's anything to talk about," Haruhito said, fidgeting nervously.

Nikolai took a deep breath and looked him dead in the eye. "Why aren't we officially dating?"

"That's a spoiler, I think." He rubbed at the back of his neck.

"No, it's not," Nikolai said firmly. "Just tell me, Haruhito."

"I mean, do we even have any reason to be?" Haruhito asked, avoiding eye contact.

Nikolai raised his eyebrows. "We're already basically dating. I mean, we know each other well, we come from similar families, we spend a lot of time together. Why don't we just make it official?"

"I don't–," Haruhito faltered, cheeks hot as he fumbled for words. "I don't really–feel that way about you?"

Nikolai's heart sank. "Oh," he said numbly.

"But, um, I think you're–great, and I would–would date you, except–,"

"Jinhai," he said, blinking.

Haruhito flushed even darker, pressing his cool palms against his cheeks. To his credit, his voice remained even and controlled. "…Yes. Jinhai. And also the whole thing, you know, with Jericho, and all that, so–,"

"Jericho?" Nikolai felt some of himself coming back for a moment. "What does Jericho have to do with this?"

Haruhito's eyes widened. "You don't–? Ah, um, well, that's rather unexpected." He laughed abruptly, slinging an arm over his eyes, before letting out a long sigh. "God, I thought these kinds of situations only happened to white girls in dystopias."

"What are you talking about?" Nikolai said, head spinning. He was _so_ lost.

"Never mind," Haruhito said, shaking his head. "It's none of my business. I think I should go."

"Okay," Nikolai said slowly. "I can walk you–,"

"It's alright," Haruhito interrupted. "I'll find my way out. Adern."

Nikolai watched dazedly as the cat leapt up to his shoulders and Haruhito made to leave.

"Um, by the way," Haruhito said, pausing at the threshold. "I came over because Jericho told me it would cheer you up. Maybe you should keep that in mind."

"Uh. Okay. I will." Now what the hell did that mean?

"Get some sleep," Haruhito advised. "You look like you haven't slept in three days. And I would know."

A flash of that sweet, gummy smile that used to make his heart hurt. "Good night, Nikolai."

"Good night," he said, but Haruhito was already gone. He heard the slam of the front door, and then footsteps down the stairs.

Nikolai tried his hardest to sort through what had just happened. He'd just been dumped in a way, but it didn't hurt. Weird. This was not what most breakups felt like. Mostly, he just felt tired.

Well, maybe he'd process better in the morning, he thought sleepily, making himself more comfortable in his bed. Yes, he should sleep on it. That was the best thing to do.

* * *

_The three of them stepped into the cool night air, and Nikolai instantly shivered. He wrinkled his nose. _

"_Jesus, it's cold," he complained. "Let's find your car and get home."_

"_I don't know what you're talking about," Grisha said, beaming as he stretched his arms wide open. "I think it's great out."_

"_Easy," Rama grinned as Grisha went sideways. "Jeez, Grish, how much did you drink?"_

"_Lightweight," Niko teased, grinning. "He only had like three drinks, seriously."_

"_Shush," Grisha scowled, giving his brother a push, who smirked as he danced out of reach. "You didn't even drink, you prude."_

"_My body is a temple," Niko proclaimed primly. "I won't fill it with toxins."_

_Grisha scoffed as they reached Rama's car, shaking his head. "It won't kill you to have one drink, Niko."_

"_I'm good," Niko said, getting into the passenger seat. "Rama, are you sure it's alright for you to drive right now?"_

"_I'm fine, I only had like two drinks," Rama assured him. "And unlike Grisha, I can actually hold my alcohol."_

_They both laughed and Grisha flipped them off, sticking out his tongue. _

"_Seriously, though," Nikolai said. "You don't want me to drive? I didn't have anything."_

"_Let me put it this way," Rama said, turning the key. "If we get pulled over, the cop's gonna be a lot more pissed if someone without a license is driving, rather than some who has a license but is a little tipsy."_

"_I have a driver's license," Niko protested, putting on his seatbelt. "Not an American one, but I have one."_

"_You should really just get one here," Rama said, reversing the car. "Then me and Grisha can get smashed together and you can bring us home, Mr. Temple-body."_

"_Forget it," Niko laughed. "I don't wanna be your DD."_

"_I'm not smashed," Grisha protested. "I'm tipsy at best."_

"_Mmhm."_

_Rama turned up the music as the radio turned to a song he liked, and they drove in silence, just bopping to the music. The road was quiet, and Nikolai watched as the windshield became speckled with rain. _

"_Where's my phone?" Grisha asked as they turned onto a little back street that curved around the edge of the mountain. "I wanna call Aja."_

"_That is not a good idea," Nikolai said firmly, hand resting over his pocket where he had stowed Grisha's phone, having foreseen this moment._

"_Did you take my phone?" Grisha whined, trying to sit up from where he had sprawled over the three seats in the back. "Give it back."_

"_I don't think so," Nikolai said, rolling his eyes. "You and Aja broke up two months ago."_

"_But I miss her," Grisha said, pouting._

"_No you don't," Rama interjected. "All you talked about was how much she drove you crazy when you guys were together."_

"_But I miss her now," Grisha protested. "I just wanna talk to her and see how she's doing. Do you know if she's dating someone else now?"_

"_I don't think so. I saw her out the other day with Steve what-his-face from Econ, but I don't think they're official," Rama said, frowning. _

"_Don't encourage him. You and Aja are done, Grisha, and you'll regret it if you text her now. See this is–," Niko's eyes widened as a bright light flashed in front of them, blinding him. "What on–FUCK! RAMA, WATCH OUT, THE TRUCK–!"_

"_HOLY SH—!"_

* * *

Nikolai woke up in cold sweat and groped for his phone, teeth chattering. Despite the blur in his vision and the tremble in his fingers, he managed to tap out a text message before falling back asleep.

––

**Message coldhandscoldheart to hopelessramantic**

coldhandscoldheart: ok letts talk,,

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